“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
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>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
This pepper has seen some shit
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
s
oc
i
a
l
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.