“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
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If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year