What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
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Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Aren’t we all Mavis *sigh*
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Velcrow
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER
I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game