What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
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Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.