What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
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[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
peep davidson
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Rooting for the overdog
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*