What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
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FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
don’t message me unless you have this energy
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
The prophecy is fulfilled
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”