Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home

I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”

Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use

Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.

Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.

Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked

Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good

I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt

Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.

I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.

Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.

Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes

Me: All vans are moving vans LOL

Her: And this is why we’re leaving

ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory

ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back

Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:

I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.

Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

As a kid: the floor is lava

As a parent: the floor is Lego™️

I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.

[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]

We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

*kid finds Easter Basket

Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?

“What else you get?!”

A lasagna recipe..

“Great make dinner”

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

(flirting) sooo how do you feel about girls who are brooding, intense, and inherently off-putting in all social situations

my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm

Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:

Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.