Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)

A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.

Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me

Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”

*gets several new followers on Sunday

*adds Jesus to resume

When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.

[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?

Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?

Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

[car dealership]

“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”

fred flintstone: i’ll take it!

I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.

[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello

Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.

14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people

Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!

Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.

In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.

Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”

FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*

I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday

Springsteen: baby we were born to run

Springsadult: let’s just take a cab

10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.

Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me

the only organized thing in my life is crime

chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.

*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”

I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue