What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
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road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
scrabbled eggs
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
rise and shine we got egg
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.