What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
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guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Damn he played himself
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
next question.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.