What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
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Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
I’m concerned about the environmental impact of driverless cabs. A greener option is a riderless bicycle. I’ve already got one of those in my shed.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Canadian owl: Eh?
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?