Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle

Same pineapple, same

I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.

cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry

me: some of your colleagues are chasing me

I’m an avid indoorsman.

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”

-Disney’s Frozen

I paused the movie to tweet this…

If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.

If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.

The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.

my boss: here’s your raise

me: thanks

my landlord: he was talking to me

Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is

No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.

I feel a bit deprived…….

“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.

My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?

Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?

I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg