Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.

Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

How and why my FUR ROOM exists

I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.

Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.

*adds resume embellisher to resume*

a fate I wish upon no one

Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.

I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…

Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?

Me:

Son:

Me: There are only 2 things to fear

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.

Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?

Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”

Staff member: “Bonus!”

Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”

If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.

I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.

[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price

I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog

83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.

if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.

[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”

Here

“Aren’t you going to guess?”

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.

Friend: cheer up. There are plenty of fish in the sea

Me [slamming my fist on the table]: I’m attracted to women NOT fish, Gary!