“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
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“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!