What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???
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This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
12: You’re almost half a century old.
Me: Go to your room.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical