What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???
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[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.