What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???
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Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.