What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
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“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.