What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
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if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
My therapist after every session
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head