What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
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baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Well, that didn’t work.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
