What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
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I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars