Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.

Her: you look great

My brain: say thank you

Anxiety: why does she hate me

Me: I have peanut butter in my hair

Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…

[shark tank]

Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight

Mark cuban: no

Me: look no further

the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip

Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.

friend: can i tell you something

me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis

Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.

Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.

My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no

I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.

Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid

Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity

“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”

*Buys everyone snacks

zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?

me: no, not yet!

zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do

Still cracks me up

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that

Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.

If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.

[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae

[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

me: sweet chainmail

knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.