Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit

[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to

From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”

lawyer: just say you were with a friend

me: ok

[later]
cop: where were you that night?

me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend

“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s

I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.

An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.

Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.

My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.

It’s an onion.

My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.

The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.

Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.

me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

date: omg !!!!!

me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water

OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.

Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity

Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.

SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.

My work here is done

Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?

Librarian: stop talking

“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.

When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.

Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”

Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.

dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.

I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.