Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.

Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.

Investing in beetcoin

It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition

I gave a co-worker my word today …

And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

*first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

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I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.

If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.

Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.

If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.

I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”