Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!

Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….

A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story

There needs to be at least ONE more Nightmare on Elm Street film so that Freddy can invade a comic book nerd’s dream, dress up as Deadpool, and refer to himself as “Fredpool.”

Dear diary,

Day 1 (8 AM)

For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.

Day 1 (10 AM)

I’ve run out of food.

A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.

I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

I’m sick of everybody in this house.

-me, who lives alone.

“Dress for the job you want!”

*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*

[calling in sick]

BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?

ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure

Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.

lol is punctuation and LOL is laugh out loud

Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.

Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?

Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.

Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.

Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.

Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.

My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”

First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*

People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too

Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…

My wife is available.

Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them

I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life

“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”

[from the bushes]
“No”

*As the Titanic sinks*

Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album

Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO

Tier 3 meme

People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.

Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]

[grocery shopping]

“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”

I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS

People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch