What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
You Might Also Like
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Straight people are cancelled
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Packing for a 2 day trip like I’m gunna shit my pants 3 times and go swimming
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.