What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
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I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Shortcut
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
thinking about a very short hotdog
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money