Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”

Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”

Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed

The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.

I’m so lazy I let my battles pick me

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.

It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!

Babe, you’re just perfect for me

Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man

Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣

“pew, pew, pew!”

-me, pointing out seating options in a church

roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.

her: *texts something funny*

me: *types hahahahaha*

*stares at it*

*deletes one ha*

Ikea products should be cheaper, i’m doing all the work here… it’s like ordering takeout food and still having to cook it when it arrives

Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?

This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️

Yelp: Its prison ma’am.

Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.

He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]

Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.