Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Vaccination center]

Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please

Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.

“get a dog” they said

“it’ll be fun” they said

yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard

This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?

cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball

why I oughta

Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea

If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..

To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.

[showing off my distressed jeans]

jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH

My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little

you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”

An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.

Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…

John Mayer first drafts.

My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.

Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop

Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.

Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.

Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.

Boss: Can I see you in my office?

Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.

Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.

Cop: Again, license and registration please

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.