Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.

Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?

Teenage me: definitely.

30s me: Wait, what

[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please

If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.

Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.

Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me

“What’d you do this weekend?”

I was shooting craps.

“Oh you went to a casino?”

*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.

Took a good look at my finances.

I won’t make that mistake again.

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

I work at Home Depot.

White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers

Me: Thank you for that information

Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?

Tamale guy: yes

Me: I’ll take three

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.

People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.

She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person

Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.

guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point

Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway

People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-

Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered

I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.

The 4 stages after getting dumped…

1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.

sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep

Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date

[At auto store]

Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?

“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”