What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
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My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl