Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
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Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
THIS IS SO TERRIFYING
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: because the police force is designed to protect the wealthy
cop: there’s a man in your trunk
me: yea a rich man
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell