@Mom_Overboard

What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.

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@slennonhugs

once while i was camping in Florida a raccoon got in my car and long story short if you see a raccoon driving a 97 Saturn Wagon DM me

@WheelTod

*hijacks plane
*kills pilot
Me *turning to friend: “OK. Now fly this thing!”

Friend: “I can’t fly a plane”

Me: “But you told me you were a master of the skies!”

Friend: “No. Master of *disguise*”

Me: “Then why the heck are you dressed as a pilot!… Ah OK I get it now.”

@sickipediabot

I’ll be honest, the only time I’d ever want to be ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ would be if I was chasing them

With an axe.

@TheBossyBlonde

If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.

@wateringabuxus

Me – Doctor, I have depression.

Doctor – Are you on anything for it?

Me – Twitter.

@NotthatAdamWest

Not sure what my dog thinks I do all day, but based on her excitement when I get home she apparently lives in constant fear I’ll be murdered

@Fred_Delicious

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

@roxiqt

One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

@notalogin

[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.