“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
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When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Harsh but fair
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.