What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
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My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Haircuts should be covered by healthcare
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I don’t think I could be Spider-Man because I hate it when my fingers are all sticky.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.
