What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
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Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
motivation
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
My rock bottom keeps refreshing
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
back to work
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Blocking someone isn’t enough, I want their shirt to catch on a door handle
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily