What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
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Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Dear Lord..
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”