What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
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The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
File under excellent bookstore names.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
mom gave me mine for free
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
Planet of the Apps.