What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
You Might Also Like
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.