What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
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Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Knock Knock
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.