What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
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Kids: Stay in school.
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How to draw a duck
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[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Who did it better?
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?