Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best-selling postcard of all time depicted a man and a woman under a tree. The man, reading a book, says ‘Do you like Kipling?’ and the woman responds: ‘I don’t know, you naughty boy. I’ve never kippled’. It sold 6 million copies

They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.

There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.

I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.

The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.

The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.

Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.

Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?

Her:

Me:

Her: Sure, let’s go with that.

I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.

Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…

Be there, will be wild!

Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.

20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

I hate my earbuds.

Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”

The Lion In Me:

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.