What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
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JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Leaving the Barbers like
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.