What do you mean you’re not coming? I shaved my big toe and everything.

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I’m guessing whoever coined the phrase “no news is good news” obviously did not have children that were playing quietly in their rooms.


Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one

Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked


Courtney Love thinks she found the plane. It’s like God doesn’t trust us to write our own jokes.


“The first guy to suggest peeing on a jellyfish sting was called a pervert but it worked”
I said to my wife as she complained of a toothache


In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.


Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle


I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.