Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
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Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Awesome parenting 😂
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Hamburger Hinderer.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
socratic questions
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support