I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
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You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”