what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
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As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.
Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
*bites zombie*
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
