what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
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Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
when unicorns get really drunk
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?