what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
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The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.