“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
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[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.
What do cheeky people drink out of?
A smug.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?