I’m usually pretty inspired after watching a movie to try something I’ve just seen.
[hunts for a movie about cleaning bathrooms]
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
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Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Cause of death: sneezing while driving
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?