@SimoneSpringer

“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls

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@Mister_Gravity

I’m usually pretty inspired after watching a movie to try something I’ve just seen.

[hunts for a movie about cleaning bathrooms]

@WeedlordKrillin

Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna

Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic

@RealSamHarwood

A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”

@ieatanddrink

Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open

@LePetitOiseau_L

It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.

@NikiWithIssues

I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.

@Darlainky

Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?