What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
What do cheeky people drink out of?
A smug.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
