What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
🙂🐾
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
