What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
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Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.