What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

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wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him

me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six

puppy: holy shit


What should we call it when a man is beautiful?
No but I feel like you’re on the right track


My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.


Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.


Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.


Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.


I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.


If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4


You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.


Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster