@radtoria

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

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@AndrewChamings

wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him

me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six

puppy: holy shit

@NicestHippo

What should we call it when a man is beautiful?
“Footseveral?”
No but I feel like you’re on the right track

@TheSharona06

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

@awescar

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

@Mike_Bianchi

Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.

@protolalia

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

@daveexplosm

If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4

@AmishPornStar1

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

@MikeBigby

Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster