What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
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Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house