What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
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My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*