What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
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Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
This story is comedy gold 😂
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
emergency phone
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.