“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
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me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.