“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
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Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one