“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
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My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds