Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.

[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]

Me: it’s a little cold 😤

40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant

I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.

People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete

My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.

Absolutely no one:

Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*

Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?

I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere

Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.

“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes

I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.

If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.

i know this now.

Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.

Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.

Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*

My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.

no caffeine: day 6

-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead

BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*

eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not

Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.

“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”

-first taxidermist

After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.

My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.