What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
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We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
i prefer mine room temperature.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
dutch is not a serious language
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead