What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
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Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
*tries to suppress yawn in meeting*
eyes: *water*
*looks like I’m crying in meeting*
me: yeah this is better
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
I’m Kodak hut old. So I know a thing or two about humiliation, I had to pick up my own nudes, in person.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
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