Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did

[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies

IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit

Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.

My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?

Everything. Every single thing in the world.

3yo: I need you to fix this.

Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.

3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.

Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.

If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”

Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?

Me:

Daughter:

Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )

My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.

Pandas 🐼🖤

cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me

me: no go away

cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad

friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late

me: *1 week later* for what?

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.

People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.

My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!