What do you text your spouse?
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Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Any time I’ve ever told myself I’m saving a snack for later, “later” ends up being 2 minutes
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
What about second breakfast?
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
