What do you text your spouse?
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Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?