What do you text your spouse?
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One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol