“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
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Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
“Worm Regards”
