“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
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The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
wait a minute….
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
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If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt