“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
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TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
“How stressed are you?”
Me:
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Pat is about to own someone
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.