“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
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Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Oh hi lol
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food