what do you want!!!!!!!!
You Might Also Like
🔦🌙👣
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.