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This is funnier than it should be. 😂
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.