what do you want
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Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Would you wear it?
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.