“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
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To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
They’re the worst 😩
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
next question.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
you also like cloning? well that makes two of us
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.