“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
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I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
The government even made aliens boring
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?