Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?

“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said

My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.

Laziness level: expert.

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.

Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?

Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.

New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

My good tweets are in my other pants.

Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

Yoga Matt

Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

My boss called in sick of me

Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.

NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.

I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.

A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.

Maybe I should move.

I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.

The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.

So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.

Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently