What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
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I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Happy Febuary everyone!
I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.
I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.
I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl