Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?

Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it

“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft

Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me

It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.

I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.

if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them

cause that’s creepy AF

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.

I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.

If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.

Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.

Me: Not until you turn the heat down.

Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?

Active voice: “I love your article”

Passive voice: “Your article is loved”

Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?

Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.

COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think

Nobody told me that it takes 1-2 business days to put a snow outfit on a toddler

Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.

Boss: “you’re fired”

Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”

My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

JUDAS: any weekend plans?

JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided

JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both

JESUS: what?

JUDAS: what?

to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak

Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾

Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.

Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.

Finn was her brother.

Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.