Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.

Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.

Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.

my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.

Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.

Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.

Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas:

*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3

*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!

First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.

[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open

“I know exactly how you feel.”

*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman

I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.

Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.

Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*

I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets

Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble

BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.

“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught

I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat

As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”

Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.

It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.