Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay

“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*

Doctor: I have good news!

Me: oh thank God

Doctor: Do you want to die?

Me: No!

Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁

If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body

[flirting at Taco Bell]

Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.

[seconds later]

Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.

I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.

Tasted fine, too.

Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.

I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!

I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left

Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.

People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.

Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…

Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana

I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑

Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her

Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.

Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you

What is a picnic?

Correct!

Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels

Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one

I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.

“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.

I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.

As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees